HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
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Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing