I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
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Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.