Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Monday
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I know karate and tons of other words.