I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.