Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
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If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.