.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
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You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.