If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
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normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.