*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
doing some research
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.