I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off