Fights fire with marshmallows
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
In case you needed to hear it:
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?