[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
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I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped