Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
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snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office