Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
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Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Looking at you, Jesus.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”