10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
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Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.