“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
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Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…