*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
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The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Somebody’s lying.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once