[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.