After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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#JohnTravolta
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
early stone age tool
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”