I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I hate everything
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her