I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Breakfast for Stoners:
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too