who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
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Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Oh deer
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?