So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
spicy snake
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain