I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
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Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.