The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
The Assassin.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.