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My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.