Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
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You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
*rushing into work*
sorry i鈥檓 late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can 锛筹嫉锛辑锛籍 锛わ讥锛集锛汲
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 馃槧
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 馃槨
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 馃槨馃槨馃槨
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone鈥檚 affections are genuine.