When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
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“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
when revenge coincides with naptime
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.