7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
The Onion called it…again.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen