dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
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You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Nice try Hitler
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My dog learned how to text
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.