Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
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I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
(Gaming support cat.)
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??