Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
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[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact