Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Breaking news:
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Brb my Sims are getting married
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*