*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
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You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
let’s discuss
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly