waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
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I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle