mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
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Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up