Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
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Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…