[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
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Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough