I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.