Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Everyone’s family
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.