In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
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Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
british sex workers really pound for pound
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Nice try, NASA
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit