Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.