What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
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Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
lmao
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Cat is stressing him out.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.