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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.