Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
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A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos