It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
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Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
This squirrel eats better than I do
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.