Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
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MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself