Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
You Might Also Like
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
#SuperBowl
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle