I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
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it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”