Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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ok this is my dumbest yet
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Breaking news:
I’m giving up ice.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.