Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
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sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.